finally, i have the apartment to myself. for a week at least, until my sister returns and all chaos ensues. i kid i kid...

i'm relishing the freedom to do whatever i please, this feeling's long overdue; light some candles, blast music on the sound system, leave all the doors open and lights on, run around in my underwear (or nothing at all)...

had a sudden bout of OCD, which resulted in a cleaning spree (yes, again):

magic-wiped the bathroom, hallway and living/dining/kitchen area - it's amazing how quickly dust accumulates, i just magic-wiped the flat yesterday! - emptied out the vacuum cleaner dustbag and cleaned the filter, vacuumed the bathroom and my bedroom [carpet], cleaned my mirror, dressing table and laid out my new table runner, changed the sheets - washed and hung them out to dry - in anticipation of my sister's return (they actually belong to her), cleaned the bathroom from top to toe; scrubbed the bathtub, glass divider, toilet bowl, sink and all other surfaces, replaced all the drying cloths and floor rugs around the flat with new ones, rearranged the linen baskets... and i think that might be it.

oh, had a quick bite and a lovely shower after all that manic cleaning. now i think i might pop on a film, light some candles + use my green tea facial mask tonight. ahhh.. it's amazing how good i feel right in this moment; like i've purged the flat of all the crap that has been going on lately.

i can finally breathe again... wish this feeling could last forever

how do you tell yourself not to want something you really want?
when you find out, please tell me.

YOU ARE A BIG FAT LIAR.

i just want to live alone *edit

i know i should stop complaining about past/present psycho/dull housemates; it really isn't important enough to get stressed and let it rule my life. or keep me up at night. especially since this isn't my flat and this isn't a permanent situation. well, i REFUSE to let this become a permanent situation.

it's annoying however, because on one hand she tells me to be more zen 'it's not worth getting stressed about it' then on the other hand, she's stressing me up about it herself. at the end of the day, i know that i'm going to have to deal with the fallout when the shit hits the fan. who else is there to do it?

turning 25 next week, i think i've just come to that point in my life when i either want to move in with JL or go it alone. i'm done living with strangers, especially those that turn out to be either a) batshitcrazy or b) when you say 'i'm mellow and chilled out' you really mean 'i'm boring and have no life and never leave my room, oh right, and i also have no friends'

harsh, but i think i'm beginning to feel this way because the 3 month period has just passed and i'm finally seeing things(you) for what they truly are. truth be told, i don't care if that you're boring, have no friends, job and life (ouch!). it's not your fault that we have nothing in common and we can't hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes without my eyes glazing over. it's also not your fault that your 'sense of humour' and 'jokes' get lost in translation, so you just end up sounding rude/offensive instead of charming/funny.

and the fact that i triple check the locks on my bedroom and bathroom door? um, yeah. nothing to do with you whatsoever!

on the other hand, i used to appreciate (perhaps i still do) the fact that you gave me a wide berth (by staying in your room) the majority of the time, and that i didn't feel the need to be extra nice or make conversation because i'm equally capable of and prone to spending all day in bed on a weekend.

the thing about you that irks me somewhat, is your NEVER lift a finger to do more than necessary or go out of your way around the house, you've not once checked the mailbox or brought up the mail (fair enough, seeing as you haven't received a single letter). you haven't cleaned the apartment more than once since moving in 3 + months ago (and even then i didn't see you do it). taking out the trash is a stretch for you, and even if/when you do, you never line the bin with a new bin bag. you never put the clothes rack back into the cupboard after using it, even after i've specifically requested that of you. you don't even put plates/cups/utensils back in the cupboard after they've dried!

i don't understand! it's plain common sense! it's not like i expect you to clean constantly. i always wash/wipe up after myself in the kitchen/dining area but that's because it's the quickest and easiest place to get dirty what with all that cooking and eating going on.

as for the apartment, i only clean it when it starts to feel dirty... so maybe every 2-3 weeks i do a thorough clean of the living/dining/kitchen areas, wipe down the stove and window frames, vacuum the entire flat, bleach the toilets, wash the sheets/towels etc.

use something, put it back. open door, close door. floor dirty, clean floor. eat food, wipe table/wash dishes. put a full load of laundry in the washing machine = save water.

how can these things not occur to some people?!? i mean, what have they been doing all their lives?

when you 'joked' that cooking/cleaning/laundry is a woman's work, i was speechless. i was torn between telling you to eff off or laughing your face at the ludicrousness of your statement.

p/s: that's probably why you're still single.

but anyway, enough of this. i shouldn't feel as bothered as i am. i'm actually quite okay with cleaning the flat myself, especially since i don't trust anyone else to do it right.

besides, my focus should be on finding a permanent job, and getting myself out of this situation.

*yes, i am intent on getting out of the current situation, but i revise my previous statements about the tenant/housemate, mostly out of guilt and maybe, just maybe i feel like i might have jumped the gun a bit, and should learn not to be so judgmental and give people a chance from time to time. yourself included.

**and really, i shouldn't care this much about a complete stranger. who will eventually move out of the apartment in a few months time and i will never have to see or speak to again. 

I think I love you

I was trying so hard to remember this song, and when I finally found it on Youtube, I couldn't stop laughing.

Flashback to the 90s, anyone? (okay, it's more like 2002, but still..)

i've been sitting on the same spot for 8 hours now, it's no wonder my back hurts, my bum hurts, my neck hurts - everything hurts. can't believe this is how i spent my saturday :(

On My Playlist: The Clash - Rock The Casbah

Ridiculously start today; this must be the first Saturday in weeks, scratch that, months, that I can actually recall being a) awake b) active and c) semi-functioning before noon - with the aid of copious amounts of caffeine and greasy food (of course).

Up at 8.30am after a fitful night's sleep, got ready and left the house at 9.10am. By 10am we were at Jam. A cup of mocha and a bacon-egg sandwich later, and I'm seated on the leather chesterfield, shortlisting jobs to apply for. Yay me!

It also helps that I've got The Clash on replay, both the original and remix version of this:




Enjoy!

xx

I'll wait till I have something important to say.

family

Entered the apartment -  took off my coat/jumper/socks/boots, turned on the laptop, checked facebook and hotmail, made instant tomyam noodles for dinner (+ leftovers), ate while fb-chatting with friends, showered, changed into pjs, applied eye cream/serum/face, body, hand moisturiser/lip balm, prepared a sandwich and fruit for tomorrow's lunchbox then sat back down on the sofa...

... and let the tears stream down my face.

For the first time in 2 weeks, I am alone again. It's the same with all families isn't it? When they were here, the flat was messy, noisy, overcrowded (and the fridge was bursting forth with food) - like a higher class refugee camp. Now that they're gone, it's clean, organized but empty and my voice seems to echo around the flat. Suddenly I desperately want to call my mother for a chat. And I've even asked my sister to sleep with me tonight - how manja am I? I feel all of 12 years old. Imagine this, I got emotional eating the spaghetti my brother made/packed for my lunch today, and was constantly on the verge of tears at the office, from the mere thought of returning to an empty flat - again.

I miss them already :(

I guess this is my lesson learnt, one word - family.

twenty-eleven

I'm liking 2011 so far; it smells of change - and good change at that! Kicked off the new year with a unexpectedly fabulous/fabulously unexpected new year's eve party that was, if anything, an indication of the fantastic year that lies head. And I quote myself (via facebook updates, starting with my most recent escapades)...

from berlin:

"after a long night of BAR-HOPPING, we find ourselves at a dance party in an abandoned warehouse at 8am on a sunday morning, oh yeah.. and my cheek is somehow smeared with gold glitter. you gotta ♥ berlin! the city that never sleeps... "

"Berlin is the kind of city that makes you want to have SEX on the streets or pressed up in the corner of a crowded bar. "

"Dining in SOLAR, a sky lounge/restaurant with a panoramic view of berlin. "

ljubljana:

"Dining on Champagne Risotto with Scallops in a castle overlooking LAKE BLED. "

london:

"Evidence that you had a good night is when you get flashbacks of toasting strangers on rooftops, dancing on chairs, screaming LIKE A G6! like your life depended on it and not remembering how you ended up in bed or why there are boys wrapped up in blankets sleeping on your living room floor... And FINALLY feeling sober two days later. "

on easyjet
"Just lost my V-plate on Easyjet. HAPPY NEW YEAR! "

 

And lastly, ONE resolution to sum up this year:

 

"BE FEARLESS"

2010: dubai, milan, hongkong/macau, london/singapore, bologna (italy), missed out on madrid, ljubljana (slovenia), nassjo (sweden).

2011: first stop, berlin....... and then who knows where else the wind will take me?

 

*sniffs the air* I have a good feeling about 2011.....

I lost my boyfriend, my dog and my grandma in one year.
And now I can't seem to stop crying.

forgiveness

looking at old photographs; achingly bittersweet. memories i've almost forgotten making. filled with the strangest sensation; like looking at another me, in another life. i recognize my own face, but feel nothing. empty inside. in this very instant, it feels like my seemingly endless reserve(s) of love have suddenly run dry. as if nothing in the world could ever make me feel whole again - just in this instant.


wondering how one can be so certain about the future in a moment, how one can make plans, have hopes and dreams... and how easily a heart can change at any given time. when that happens, there's not a damn thing you can do about it. no amount of tears or money in the world can turn back time; back to day one zero, start all over again, "hello stranger."


they say, when the heart knows, it knows. i guess you could say, i knew when to take my leave. i just never knew i knew, if that makes any sense at all.


i'm not sad or nostalgic. i'm not anything, really. if i had a choice, i'd do it all over again. if i could live my life one more time, i would live it exactly as i had lived it before, 


but better.

"SHE LIVED WITH GRACE AND DIGNITY" 

if i had my way, i would have that engraved on my tombstone

..... but i'm not certain i can say that about myself anymore. in the eyes of some, i've fallen from grace and there seems to be nothing i can do to regain a shred of dignity. what's worse is... i used to see myself as a paragon of virtue (ha ha, as if!) at the very least - a good, honest person. the kind of person who would never knowingly hurt another. and yet, in doing what was instinctive (and necessary) for the sake of my sanity/survival at the time, i hurt the ones who loved me most. 


i've never been on THEOTHERSIDE before; i don't like it over here.


the past half a year has been a continuous uphill battle, my heart has grown weary. i don't want to fight anymore. i don't have the emotional capacity to survive another war of words.


in your eyes, i have sinned; and for some reason unfathomable to all but you, the betrayal burns deeper than any other. you might as well burn me at the stake and be done with it, because short of a miracle i don't see you letting go of this anytime soon - say within the next 10 years?


however, the ultimate question is: can i ever forgive myself? how does one even begin to seek/attain forgiveness from oneself? 

for·giveness (fər giv′nis)

noun

1. a forgiving or being forgiven; pardon
2. inclination to forgive or pardon